i am getting so tired of crying. and not sleeping. and not eating. and looking like i just came out of a concentration camp. and being a completely useless waste of skin to everyone around me. and being just the worst human being on the face of the planet. at Baylor, i still feel this, but at least there i have more than one person i tell these things to. everyone here just reminds me of why i'm a worthless, sorry, absolutely dysfunctional, fucked up, moronic, horrible, mean, cruel, uncaring, cowardly, lying, just downright awful son of a bitch who really has no reason to live, and would only benefit the earth by relieving it of his presence. sigh, only 32 more days...

I should be ASLEEP!

     So yes, it is now 4:08 am, I should most definitely be asleep; I should have been asleep 4 hours ago when i first touched my head to my pillow. And at that time, I was exhausted. Hell, I may have even gotten a 15 minute power nap in. But then I woke back up, and there was no going back, I had broken that magic spell that sleep casts and all of my problems rushed back in. 
     However, that's the thing, what the hell are these problems I speak of? WELL SHOOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!! Because, as I sit here and go through my present life, I have no rational problems to be fretting over, at least comparatively. I mean, there are finals, which I know I over-exaggerate the importance of. I take test anxiety to a whole new level. Lemme lay it out for you. This is what, more or less, it's a bit watered down, was running through my head before my Biology final today:


I fail said test ---> my parents, namely the father, find out and realize that I'm a giant waste of time and revoke my college money and kick me out of the house ---> me losing both my college education and any sort of life I had at Baylor because all my friends there would come to the same conclusion my parents did and discontinuing association with me/my home friends, which are already on the low side, would pretty much be able to do nothing ---> me being left with no way to support myself and no place to go, so I die in a ditch somewhere, no one caring any more or less.


     Now I know that this is the stupidest thing ever. And this is the watered down version. Even I could go through and point out the severe flaw with believing any of these steps, but for the past couple of days, and the couple of days before my next finals (which is, hey!, now), these thoughts and possibilities seem completely possible and the most likely to happen. And I also threw up before my Bio final today. Lovely, right?
     This may seem like a problem, but honestly, what college student is not going through the same thing that I'm going through? Maybe not to this degree, maybe so, who am I to say I know, but basically the same situations, right? Right. So, this problem is nothing spectacular or extraordinarily horrible, just a normal problem...so, moving on.
     Um, friends. Oh Lord, friends. Anything that goes minutely wrong in any one of my friendships nowadays is blown so far out of proportion that I think i actually risk further and more severe damage to the friendship than the theoretical damage could have caused. So I go around, treading on eggshells near my friends, afraid of something going wrong, because at this point, when it comes to friends, I just could not handle losing one. Not again. Not now...well, maybe a minor friend, but there are 5 or 6 people here that, if any one of them got mad at me, control would be absolutely lost for me. Because right now, I care a whole lot more about my friends than I do for myself, I judge myself based on my friendships, which I also seem intent on destroying because I keep doing stupid stuff that endangers them, or at least they do in my psychotic, altered view on reality. 
     And here lies the problem. Or it should, anyways. I believe it does, but I have also received confirmation from all of those 5 or 6 people that nothing is wrong and they still love me and yatta yatta yatta...see now I feel horrible for saying yatta yatta yatta instead of actual things, like those important things mean absolutely nothing to me. Oh my GOD I need medication. 
     And then there's the whole gay thing, which was going fine, until an Earth shattering blow rocked the structure that was my shred of self-confidence. See, my friend Morgan doesn't really like the whole homosexual thing. She tells me she loves me no less, but the way she acts sometimes, I mean, it's really hard for me to believe. The other night, she asks me to explain bisexuality for her, and I just kind of gave her this disbelieving stare, and was like, ummm, no can do? I mean, just because we're all different from you doesn't mean we're really different. I mean, why do you like penis? Why do straight men like vagina? Why do bisexuals like both? How the fuck am I fucking supposed to know?! It was like she threw homosexuals, bi, whatever, into a category that was below her because, and I quote, her liking penis and a guy liking penis "is not the same thing." Well, detail oriented, no, but concept wise, eeeehh yea kind of it is. If you can't explain it, what the hell makes you think I will? 
     And then tonight...oh whatever you know what I'm talking about. Anywho, my friend Ryan and I played a joke on her where we kissed each other good night (Ryan's straight btw, heh) in her room. The original plan was just in front of her, but we ended up in her room, so whatever. Now, I expected the normal amount of freak out, I actually had ten bucks saying she would pass out, but it was like, after she saw it, I was a leper. She wouldn't touch me, wouldn't look at me, and, while I must reiterate, this was a rather cruel joke, I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit insulted. I mean, just because I touch you after kissing a guy does not mean you are marked for hell, it doesn't work that way. And if it does in your head, seek help. But now I believe she's mad at me, which makes me mad at myself because it goes back to the whole friend paragraph above. See that again.
     So, again, no real problems to speak of. Only pseudo problems that I create and have no real life value. So that begs the question: why in the motherfuck do I feel so unhappy? I just...for once, I would love to know what the hell is wrong with me, because I obviously don't want to be happy because I don't try to be happy, I just sit in my stench and stew because life sucks, but in reality, or so it seems to me, it's all my fault, I'm the one to blame, and damn me for saying anything else. 
     Sigh. I now sit here, crying, which is all I seem to do when I'm alone in my room these days, listening to Firework by Katy Perry, kind of hoping that if I listen to the song enough, the lyrics will come true. And of course I have to be alone in my room, because I can't cry in front of anyone else, because I promised myself on that day...well, that would take a whole nother hour to go through. Suffice to say that there is a lot of stuff that I left out of this post, but Kyle, you get to hear all of this in person. You just have to roundhouse kick me in the face to get it out of me, otherwise you ain't gonna hear it. So really, this is up to you. I won't think any less of you if you just look at this and go bitch pleeze, because even I don't wanna hear about my problems. 
     On a side note, the people above me must be having some sort of kinky sex because those thumps are not normal thumps. 

Omnipotence Kicks Ass

     I truly don't understand how God does it. I know I'm not supposed to know, but it would be a really cool trick to learn. I know, I know, BLASPHEMY!! But admit it, you've thought about it too. Just the idea of being able to experience every. single. thing. that goes on in the universe at the same time, and then also have a say or be able to interject your will over any event that goes on would be, needless to say, the single most kick ass thing ever. 


     But the reason I say this is, not because I have some sick delusion that I will ever obtain this power, no matter how much I wish, but because God always seems to be able to skew things just that certain way, every single fucking time. No matter what personal crisis I'm going through, no matter what the event is, big or small, subtle or just a big ole slap to the face, He always seems to get his point across, and gets it across good. 


     All us Baylor kids may groan at the thought of Chapel, I myself included, but we should never, ever, doubt that God is there amongst us at every single time we all gather in that hall. He finds a way to speak to us, whether we want to be spoken to or not, whether you feel as though you deserve to be spoken to or not. Now, I'm not gonna be a fucking hypocrite and sit here and say that everyone is equal in His eyes and blah blah blah. I sure as hell would love to believe that, and maybe deep down, I do. But I also believe in a Hell, and really, if you think about it long and hard, the two ideologies don't mesh together real well. 


     Ah, but my religious rants can be saved for another time. Faith is just one of the many things that seem to be falling apart in my life, and God hasn't showed me anything about it yet, so I have no wisdom to impart on the subject. All I do know is, well, damn. Chapel today was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I don't mean the content was scary or anything, it's just, it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I have this rule, that I do not cry in front of people, you know, for those of you who are less wary of sharing your emotions than I am. 


     Seriously though, I have been thinking about going and seeing a counselor here on campus for several weeks now, and the past week has seen my determinacy to go fade a whole fucking lot. And just this morning, I hit that point where I had an excuse for every possible reason that I could think of not to go. And that probably would have been the end of it. But what happened in Chapel today? The head guy from the counselling department of Baylor comes and talks to us about how important it is for us to recognize the signs of suicide and how help is the best way to get better.


     ...well fuck me sideways.  


     I literally just sat there for the 30 or so minutes that this guy talked, shaking like a leaf, and using all of my energy to just keep it together. It...I just...I was simply dumbfounded, and still am to this moment. I mean, it's not everyday that God kicks your ass into reality and gives you a good stern talking to. 


    Now, this part is going to sound sappy, but it's gotta be said. As soon as I got out of the building, the tears just came, and there was no stopping them. The only thing I could do was get to a spot where I could be alone, or at least think. So I made it to the benches on Founders Mall, and just let em come. When I had calmed down a little bit, I was sitting there, being generally miserable, when this group of girls came up to the bench across from me and put a little foam bear on it, and walked away. I had no idea what the hell it was, or why they put it there. All I knew is that I, for whatever reason, really wanted it. I didn't move, and wasn't planning on going over and getting it, why? I really don't know. But this is where it gets to the supernatural. After about 15 minutes of me just sitting and staring at this bear, the wind picked up. Not like hurricane force or anything like that, but it was stronger than it had been the rest of the time I was sitting out there...and it was blowing right at the bear. This sounds retarded when I type it up, but...at that moment, I just felt so at peace, so happy, for the first time in a long time.


     Turns out the bear was a promotional for the counselling center that they handed out after the talk in Chapel. 


     God's a great guy, aint He?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

     Welp, it may have actually finally happened. There may be an explanation to whatever the hell is wrong with me. As was suggested to me earlier today...yesterday, it could be very possible that I am afflicted with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD. And after reading a little bit on it, and by a little I mean the WebMD and Wikipedia articles on the disorder, I have this to say: it would explain a whole fucking lot about a fucking ton of shit!
     Let me give you a quick rundown of some of the symptoms according to Wikipedia: fatigue, not every single day, but a whole hell of a lot of the time; fidgeting, look at me closely next time, I'm mostly likely doing something with my hands or feet; headaches, got em; nausea, got it, a lot more than I would like; sweating, you don't even wanna know; and then there are some others that apply to me and a couple that don't. 
     It makes a pretty strong case. I mean, the more I read about it, the more I can say 'holy shit, that is so me!' But, of course, because it can't let even one thing rest as it is, there is always that STUPID little voice that's telling me that, because I'm recognizing the possibility that I have this disorder, then I don't have it. Isn't that true? If an 'insane' person admits that they are insane then they aren't really insane? Although, now that I think about it, there has to have been a serial killer somewhere along the way that has gone 'now wait a minute, what I'm doing just isn't what normal people do. now why could that be?' 
     But even if it isn't GAD, there simply has to be something wrong with me. If what I go through on a daily basis is what the rest of humanity goes through on a daily basis as well, then I just may begin to preach  the whole 'earth is the only hell' thing, because...I mean, there's just no way. I'm not trying to belittle anyone else's problems in any way or anything like that, I'm just saying, being me isn't fun. At all. Friends tell me that everyone has the irrational belief that people hate them from time to time. Alright, I can buy that, but does everyone have the irrational paranoia that everyone, your closest friends, your family, even people that you do not even know, hate you, cannot stand you, but out of pity's sake, they are nice to you? Do they devote hours before going to bed going through conversations they've had during the day  to make sure that they didn't say anything that could possibly have made the other person upset with them? Do they do it while the conversation is going on? Because I do. Every day.
     Does everyone do things to please people, in any way possible, even if people don't tell them to do it? Well, I can't honestly answer that, because I don't know what people do, but I can tell you what I do, and then maybe you can deny me my disease. If I want to please a person, which is usually anyone, anytime, I will go to extreme lengths to do so, even stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things that are completely out of character for me to do. Normally, this does not constitute anything that is physical pain or stuff like that, but it can be extremely emotionally wracking, especially when trying to live up to family expectations. I hear people say that them and their parents are like best friends, and I can't help but envy them. If you were to put mine and my parents' relationship into a quantifiable situation, it would be something like the people who are in each others' life because they have to be. Or, at least it was for me. I don't tell my parents anything about myself. Nothing. Nada. Grades, nope, they could figure them out for themselves. Social life, my mom would just wreck it. Personal life, well, there's really no other excuse other than I'm afraid they would completely reject me because, as hard as it is to believe, as much as I may say I dislike them, they are my parents, and if they don't love me, what hope do I have with anyone else? 
     I'm sure by now, you're thinking 'wow, this jackass is in some serious need of therapy,' and you know what? I'm almost 100% positive that you are correct. But you know what else, unless you wanna be the one to sedate me and then drag me into a therapists office, then you can go shove it in your ear. Because I'm also almost 100% sure that I'm not going to a therapist out of my own free will, I get my pride from my good old dad. So, like I said, I will have to either be sedated or dragged there, kicking and screaming. And when I got there, I would probably play master of the mask, as I have become so accustomed to doing over the years, and just nod my head and say yea, ok, nothing's wrong with me, so shut up. Healthy? Hell no. Realistic? Most certainly. 
     If you can't tell from my diction and tone, I am just a little bit pissed off at the world right now. Everyone is under fire right now, innocent and guilty, god-fearing and atheist, black and white, young and old, rich and poor, dead and alive. But I really can't help it. You see, I have this thing I like to call my 'man period'. Ladies, you know kind of what I'm talking about, and guys, I'm sure you get it too, you just don't admit it or you don't know it yet. Basically what happens is my emotional tolerance for things goes just plain out the window, caused, most likely, by a hormonal imbalance that I don't really care to think about, i simply accept that it's there. But anyways, it's not a regular thing, but definitely a reoccurring thing, and I'm on it now, so put up your forcefields. I'm rapin erybody up in here. 
     My man period matters in this situation because I would most certainly not be posting this kind of thing in a blog post. Usually, this kind of thing would go straight into my journal rather than risk being exposed to the public. However, I'm sitting here at 3:45 in the morning, in the dark, waiting for fucking registration to start, and I really didn't feel like getting my journal and making the effort to write all this shit down. So there you go. Enjoy. Or don't, I really don't give a flying fuck. 

The Friend Department

     Ok, seriously, I'm having trouble in the friend department...and not like 'oh I'm mad at you for like 5 minutes for something stupid that we'll get over with a hug'. No, I'm talking Earth quaking, mind-blowing fury. This kind of foundational issue has not come across my path since...Jesus, it must have been like 6th grade. So, needless to say, I'm more than a little freaked out and am kinda in panic mode right now. 
     It also doesn't help that this is me and my best friend that we're talking about here. And it certainly doesn't help that she may not even realize that I am just absolutely, unbelievably pissed at her. I've tried to make it clear to her that I am without directly telling her because, contrary to popular belief, I am a human being, and I do suffer from a disease called pride. So, I should probably fix that to begin with, but it doesn't change the fact that she is being a complete, absolutely hypocritical bitch. 
     The conversation was one of our usual, a scarcely talkative Facebook chat, initiated by me, as it seems they all are nowadays, but that's a whole other issue. So, I, attempting to abide by my new rule of opening up to people and not hold in my feelings, began to tell her about the suicidal thoughts I have been having since freshman year of high school. Well, damn me and my stupid goals. She flipped a shit, told me to shut up and stop talking, and then got off Facebook. 
     So there I am, shell-shocked by the fact that I was just completely denied by my best friend, and I honestly had no idea what to do. And of course, I chose what was probably the worst thing to do: sent an angry text. I let into her, hell, I even dropped the GD, which for me is a big deal. And being the twisted person that I am, I tried to make her feel bad by making her think that I thought that it was all my fault by apologizing. That backfired horribly with her saying that she didn't wanna talk about stuff like that, which, I can understand, but your my fucking best friend, suck it up and talk. The kicker was when she told me that I should just ignore all this stuff and push it down and it would all go away...that was it. I couldn't do it anymore. I just said goodnight, and any interaction that I've had with her since then has been laced with fury. Unfortunately, I don't think she's picking up on it.
     The sucky thing is that I keep feeling like I did something wrong, because normally, I am the type of person to keep it all inside. But recently, something just snapped, and I know that what I'm doing now is a much better thing for me. But then something like this comes along and happens and it just makes me all the more unsure about the whole thing, which sucks because I actually had my heart into committing to this. So...I really have no idea what's gonna happen with this whole mess. It also sucks that, before this, I had decided to go home this weekend partially to see her...hmmmmmm.
     There's another minor tremor on the radar, but I believe that it will be thinned out fairly soon. But, other than that minuscule blip, pretty much everything in my life is not nearly as scary as it was several days ago. That is really, really good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still get sad over things and shit like that, but the intensity is no longer smothering. So...first genuinely happy thing I've ever said in a post...score one for me!! 

Cheerful...maybe?

     It always seems that I am in just the God-awful worst mood whenever I decide to blog...there must be some correlation. And it especially sucks today because, for the last 3 hours, I have actually been happy! Of course, that all came crashing down about 30 minutes ago, but seriously, 3 hours must have been a new personal best! But, in celebration of this rare ray of hope, I have decided to post good things and discuss the brighter side of life...so it's gonna be a short post.

     Hmmmm, where to start...um, I haven't failed out of college, I suppose that's good. Ummmm, what else...let's see. I've got awesome friends! But then know who they are, and it would be creepy of me to describe them in a blog, so tough beans. I'm going home this weekend? I don't know if that counts as a good thing or a bad thing...

     And that's pretty much it. Minus all the usual 'I've got 3 meals a day, roof over my head blah, blah, blah' because that usually makes me feel worse. But, there you go. Momentary happiness in my life, yay me.

     

AAAAAAHHHHH!!

     So, this morning, I sat up in bed and was informed by my roommate that there had been a shooting at UT. I got up, walked to my closet, and then felt my brain stem snap in half. I only know about 100 people that go to the University of Texas at Austin, and in my mind, every single one of them was now dead. 
     First, I went through denial. It didn't happen, everything was fine. I was just going to be alright and then go take my Bio Lab test. Then my roommate told me the shooter had used an AK47, and my brain pretty much exploded. Somewhere along the way, I had the piece of mind to get dressed and had put my phone in my pocket, because I whipped it out and immediately started texting everyone on my phone book that went to UT, praying to God that the reports of no one getting shot were true. 
     When I had only heard from 2 out of, like 20 people and I had to go take my test, I knew I was fucked beyond belief. All I could think about was that one of my friends could possibly be in a hospital, or dead, and I had to go assert myself in the form of a Lab test. Oh. Boy.
     It went pretty much as expected. I knew everything there was to know on the test, but it took me pretty much all of the 50 minutes that were allotted to me, rather than the 15 it should have taken me. This was mostly because I kept seeing visions of my friends being mowed down by an AK47, which, as you can imagine, can be pretty distracting in any situation, let alone a major grade test. But, I got through the test.\
     After the test, I must have been able to walk back to my room, because that's where I found myself, sitting on my bed trembling. At this point, I figured I was beginning to have a panic attack: profuse sweating, uncontrollable shaking, momentary lapses of memory. Yea, it was no fun. 
     However, after...well, let's just suffice to say that I'm feeling pretty good right now. My happiness began to wear thin just a little while ago, but I'm able to keep myself under control, and I'm just loving the weather outside right now! It's great for typing blog posts in! Suriously, go outside!