The Friend Department

     Ok, seriously, I'm having trouble in the friend department...and not like 'oh I'm mad at you for like 5 minutes for something stupid that we'll get over with a hug'. No, I'm talking Earth quaking, mind-blowing fury. This kind of foundational issue has not come across my path since...Jesus, it must have been like 6th grade. So, needless to say, I'm more than a little freaked out and am kinda in panic mode right now. 
     It also doesn't help that this is me and my best friend that we're talking about here. And it certainly doesn't help that she may not even realize that I am just absolutely, unbelievably pissed at her. I've tried to make it clear to her that I am without directly telling her because, contrary to popular belief, I am a human being, and I do suffer from a disease called pride. So, I should probably fix that to begin with, but it doesn't change the fact that she is being a complete, absolutely hypocritical bitch. 
     The conversation was one of our usual, a scarcely talkative Facebook chat, initiated by me, as it seems they all are nowadays, but that's a whole other issue. So, I, attempting to abide by my new rule of opening up to people and not hold in my feelings, began to tell her about the suicidal thoughts I have been having since freshman year of high school. Well, damn me and my stupid goals. She flipped a shit, told me to shut up and stop talking, and then got off Facebook. 
     So there I am, shell-shocked by the fact that I was just completely denied by my best friend, and I honestly had no idea what to do. And of course, I chose what was probably the worst thing to do: sent an angry text. I let into her, hell, I even dropped the GD, which for me is a big deal. And being the twisted person that I am, I tried to make her feel bad by making her think that I thought that it was all my fault by apologizing. That backfired horribly with her saying that she didn't wanna talk about stuff like that, which, I can understand, but your my fucking best friend, suck it up and talk. The kicker was when she told me that I should just ignore all this stuff and push it down and it would all go away...that was it. I couldn't do it anymore. I just said goodnight, and any interaction that I've had with her since then has been laced with fury. Unfortunately, I don't think she's picking up on it.
     The sucky thing is that I keep feeling like I did something wrong, because normally, I am the type of person to keep it all inside. But recently, something just snapped, and I know that what I'm doing now is a much better thing for me. But then something like this comes along and happens and it just makes me all the more unsure about the whole thing, which sucks because I actually had my heart into committing to this. So...I really have no idea what's gonna happen with this whole mess. It also sucks that, before this, I had decided to go home this weekend partially to see her...hmmmmmm.
     There's another minor tremor on the radar, but I believe that it will be thinned out fairly soon. But, other than that minuscule blip, pretty much everything in my life is not nearly as scary as it was several days ago. That is really, really good. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still get sad over things and shit like that, but the intensity is no longer smothering. So...first genuinely happy thing I've ever said in a post...score one for me!! 

Cheerful...maybe?

     It always seems that I am in just the God-awful worst mood whenever I decide to blog...there must be some correlation. And it especially sucks today because, for the last 3 hours, I have actually been happy! Of course, that all came crashing down about 30 minutes ago, but seriously, 3 hours must have been a new personal best! But, in celebration of this rare ray of hope, I have decided to post good things and discuss the brighter side of life...so it's gonna be a short post.

     Hmmmm, where to start...um, I haven't failed out of college, I suppose that's good. Ummmm, what else...let's see. I've got awesome friends! But then know who they are, and it would be creepy of me to describe them in a blog, so tough beans. I'm going home this weekend? I don't know if that counts as a good thing or a bad thing...

     And that's pretty much it. Minus all the usual 'I've got 3 meals a day, roof over my head blah, blah, blah' because that usually makes me feel worse. But, there you go. Momentary happiness in my life, yay me.