Friday, December 17, 2010
i am getting so tired of crying. and not sleeping. and not eating. and looking like i just came out of a concentration camp. and being a completely useless waste of skin to everyone around me. and being just the worst human being on the face of the planet. at Baylor, i still feel this, but at least there i have more than one person i tell these things to. everyone here just reminds me of why i'm a worthless, sorry, absolutely dysfunctional, fucked up, moronic, horrible, mean, cruel, uncaring, cowardly, lying, just downright awful son of a bitch who really has no reason to live, and would only benefit the earth by relieving it of his presence. sigh, only 32 more days...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I should be ASLEEP!
So yes, it is now 4:08 am, I should most definitely be asleep; I should have been asleep 4 hours ago when i first touched my head to my pillow. And at that time, I was exhausted. Hell, I may have even gotten a 15 minute power nap in. But then I woke back up, and there was no going back, I had broken that magic spell that sleep casts and all of my problems rushed back in.
However, that's the thing, what the hell are these problems I speak of? WELL SHOOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!! Because, as I sit here and go through my present life, I have no rational problems to be fretting over, at least comparatively. I mean, there are finals, which I know I over-exaggerate the importance of. I take test anxiety to a whole new level. Lemme lay it out for you. This is what, more or less, it's a bit watered down, was running through my head before my Biology final today:
I fail said test ---> my parents, namely the father, find out and realize that I'm a giant waste of time and revoke my college money and kick me out of the house ---> me losing both my college education and any sort of life I had at Baylor because all my friends there would come to the same conclusion my parents did and discontinuing association with me/my home friends, which are already on the low side, would pretty much be able to do nothing ---> me being left with no way to support myself and no place to go, so I die in a ditch somewhere, no one caring any more or less.
Now I know that this is the stupidest thing ever. And this is the watered down version. Even I could go through and point out the severe flaw with believing any of these steps, but for the past couple of days, and the couple of days before my next finals (which is, hey!, now), these thoughts and possibilities seem completely possible and the most likely to happen. And I also threw up before my Bio final today. Lovely, right?
This may seem like a problem, but honestly, what college student is not going through the same thing that I'm going through? Maybe not to this degree, maybe so, who am I to say I know, but basically the same situations, right? Right. So, this problem is nothing spectacular or extraordinarily horrible, just a normal problem...so, moving on.
Um, friends. Oh Lord, friends. Anything that goes minutely wrong in any one of my friendships nowadays is blown so far out of proportion that I think i actually risk further and more severe damage to the friendship than the theoretical damage could have caused. So I go around, treading on eggshells near my friends, afraid of something going wrong, because at this point, when it comes to friends, I just could not handle losing one. Not again. Not now...well, maybe a minor friend, but there are 5 or 6 people here that, if any one of them got mad at me, control would be absolutely lost for me. Because right now, I care a whole lot more about my friends than I do for myself, I judge myself based on my friendships, which I also seem intent on destroying because I keep doing stupid stuff that endangers them, or at least they do in my psychotic, altered view on reality.
And here lies the problem. Or it should, anyways. I believe it does, but I have also received confirmation from all of those 5 or 6 people that nothing is wrong and they still love me and yatta yatta yatta...see now I feel horrible for saying yatta yatta yatta instead of actual things, like those important things mean absolutely nothing to me. Oh my GOD I need medication.
And then there's the whole gay thing, which was going fine, until an Earth shattering blow rocked the structure that was my shred of self-confidence. See, my friend Morgan doesn't really like the whole homosexual thing. She tells me she loves me no less, but the way she acts sometimes, I mean, it's really hard for me to believe. The other night, she asks me to explain bisexuality for her, and I just kind of gave her this disbelieving stare, and was like, ummm, no can do? I mean, just because we're all different from you doesn't mean we're really different. I mean, why do you like penis? Why do straight men like vagina? Why do bisexuals like both? How the fuck am I fucking supposed to know?! It was like she threw homosexuals, bi, whatever, into a category that was below her because, and I quote, her liking penis and a guy liking penis "is not the same thing." Well, detail oriented, no, but concept wise, eeeehh yea kind of it is. If you can't explain it, what the hell makes you think I will?
And then tonight...oh whatever you know what I'm talking about. Anywho, my friend Ryan and I played a joke on her where we kissed each other good night (Ryan's straight btw, heh) in her room. The original plan was just in front of her, but we ended up in her room, so whatever. Now, I expected the normal amount of freak out, I actually had ten bucks saying she would pass out, but it was like, after she saw it, I was a leper. She wouldn't touch me, wouldn't look at me, and, while I must reiterate, this was a rather cruel joke, I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit insulted. I mean, just because I touch you after kissing a guy does not mean you are marked for hell, it doesn't work that way. And if it does in your head, seek help. But now I believe she's mad at me, which makes me mad at myself because it goes back to the whole friend paragraph above. See that again.
So, again, no real problems to speak of. Only pseudo problems that I create and have no real life value. So that begs the question: why in the motherfuck do I feel so unhappy? I just...for once, I would love to know what the hell is wrong with me, because I obviously don't want to be happy because I don't try to be happy, I just sit in my stench and stew because life sucks, but in reality, or so it seems to me, it's all my fault, I'm the one to blame, and damn me for saying anything else.
Sigh. I now sit here, crying, which is all I seem to do when I'm alone in my room these days, listening to Firework by Katy Perry, kind of hoping that if I listen to the song enough, the lyrics will come true. And of course I have to be alone in my room, because I can't cry in front of anyone else, because I promised myself on that day...well, that would take a whole nother hour to go through. Suffice to say that there is a lot of stuff that I left out of this post, but Kyle, you get to hear all of this in person. You just have to roundhouse kick me in the face to get it out of me, otherwise you ain't gonna hear it. So really, this is up to you. I won't think any less of you if you just look at this and go bitch pleeze, because even I don't wanna hear about my problems.
On a side note, the people above me must be having some sort of kinky sex because those thumps are not normal thumps.
However, that's the thing, what the hell are these problems I speak of? WELL SHOOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!! Because, as I sit here and go through my present life, I have no rational problems to be fretting over, at least comparatively. I mean, there are finals, which I know I over-exaggerate the importance of. I take test anxiety to a whole new level. Lemme lay it out for you. This is what, more or less, it's a bit watered down, was running through my head before my Biology final today:
I fail said test ---> my parents, namely the father, find out and realize that I'm a giant waste of time and revoke my college money and kick me out of the house ---> me losing both my college education and any sort of life I had at Baylor because all my friends there would come to the same conclusion my parents did and discontinuing association with me/my home friends, which are already on the low side, would pretty much be able to do nothing ---> me being left with no way to support myself and no place to go, so I die in a ditch somewhere, no one caring any more or less.
Now I know that this is the stupidest thing ever. And this is the watered down version. Even I could go through and point out the severe flaw with believing any of these steps, but for the past couple of days, and the couple of days before my next finals (which is, hey!, now), these thoughts and possibilities seem completely possible and the most likely to happen. And I also threw up before my Bio final today. Lovely, right?
This may seem like a problem, but honestly, what college student is not going through the same thing that I'm going through? Maybe not to this degree, maybe so, who am I to say I know, but basically the same situations, right? Right. So, this problem is nothing spectacular or extraordinarily horrible, just a normal problem...so, moving on.
Um, friends. Oh Lord, friends. Anything that goes minutely wrong in any one of my friendships nowadays is blown so far out of proportion that I think i actually risk further and more severe damage to the friendship than the theoretical damage could have caused. So I go around, treading on eggshells near my friends, afraid of something going wrong, because at this point, when it comes to friends, I just could not handle losing one. Not again. Not now...well, maybe a minor friend, but there are 5 or 6 people here that, if any one of them got mad at me, control would be absolutely lost for me. Because right now, I care a whole lot more about my friends than I do for myself, I judge myself based on my friendships, which I also seem intent on destroying because I keep doing stupid stuff that endangers them, or at least they do in my psychotic, altered view on reality.
And here lies the problem. Or it should, anyways. I believe it does, but I have also received confirmation from all of those 5 or 6 people that nothing is wrong and they still love me and yatta yatta yatta...see now I feel horrible for saying yatta yatta yatta instead of actual things, like those important things mean absolutely nothing to me. Oh my GOD I need medication.
And then there's the whole gay thing, which was going fine, until an Earth shattering blow rocked the structure that was my shred of self-confidence. See, my friend Morgan doesn't really like the whole homosexual thing. She tells me she loves me no less, but the way she acts sometimes, I mean, it's really hard for me to believe. The other night, she asks me to explain bisexuality for her, and I just kind of gave her this disbelieving stare, and was like, ummm, no can do? I mean, just because we're all different from you doesn't mean we're really different. I mean, why do you like penis? Why do straight men like vagina? Why do bisexuals like both? How the fuck am I fucking supposed to know?! It was like she threw homosexuals, bi, whatever, into a category that was below her because, and I quote, her liking penis and a guy liking penis "is not the same thing." Well, detail oriented, no, but concept wise, eeeehh yea kind of it is. If you can't explain it, what the hell makes you think I will?
And then tonight...oh whatever you know what I'm talking about. Anywho, my friend Ryan and I played a joke on her where we kissed each other good night (Ryan's straight btw, heh) in her room. The original plan was just in front of her, but we ended up in her room, so whatever. Now, I expected the normal amount of freak out, I actually had ten bucks saying she would pass out, but it was like, after she saw it, I was a leper. She wouldn't touch me, wouldn't look at me, and, while I must reiterate, this was a rather cruel joke, I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit insulted. I mean, just because I touch you after kissing a guy does not mean you are marked for hell, it doesn't work that way. And if it does in your head, seek help. But now I believe she's mad at me, which makes me mad at myself because it goes back to the whole friend paragraph above. See that again.
So, again, no real problems to speak of. Only pseudo problems that I create and have no real life value. So that begs the question: why in the motherfuck do I feel so unhappy? I just...for once, I would love to know what the hell is wrong with me, because I obviously don't want to be happy because I don't try to be happy, I just sit in my stench and stew because life sucks, but in reality, or so it seems to me, it's all my fault, I'm the one to blame, and damn me for saying anything else.
Sigh. I now sit here, crying, which is all I seem to do when I'm alone in my room these days, listening to Firework by Katy Perry, kind of hoping that if I listen to the song enough, the lyrics will come true. And of course I have to be alone in my room, because I can't cry in front of anyone else, because I promised myself on that day...well, that would take a whole nother hour to go through. Suffice to say that there is a lot of stuff that I left out of this post, but Kyle, you get to hear all of this in person. You just have to roundhouse kick me in the face to get it out of me, otherwise you ain't gonna hear it. So really, this is up to you. I won't think any less of you if you just look at this and go bitch pleeze, because even I don't wanna hear about my problems.
On a side note, the people above me must be having some sort of kinky sex because those thumps are not normal thumps.
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