I truly don't understand how God does it. I know I'm not supposed to know, but it would be a really cool trick to learn. I know, I know, BLASPHEMY!! But admit it, you've thought about it too. Just the idea of being able to experience every. single. thing. that goes on in the universe at the same time, and then also have a say or be able to interject your will over any event that goes on would be, needless to say, the single most kick ass thing ever.
But the reason I say this is, not because I have some sick delusion that I will ever obtain this power, no matter how much I wish, but because God always seems to be able to skew things just that certain way, every single fucking time. No matter what personal crisis I'm going through, no matter what the event is, big or small, subtle or just a big ole slap to the face, He always seems to get his point across, and gets it across good.
All us Baylor kids may groan at the thought of Chapel, I myself included, but we should never, ever, doubt that God is there amongst us at every single time we all gather in that hall. He finds a way to speak to us, whether we want to be spoken to or not, whether you feel as though you deserve to be spoken to or not. Now, I'm not gonna be a fucking hypocrite and sit here and say that everyone is equal in His eyes and blah blah blah. I sure as hell would love to believe that, and maybe deep down, I do. But I also believe in a Hell, and really, if you think about it long and hard, the two ideologies don't mesh together real well.
Ah, but my religious rants can be saved for another time. Faith is just one of the many things that seem to be falling apart in my life, and God hasn't showed me anything about it yet, so I have no wisdom to impart on the subject. All I do know is, well, damn. Chapel today was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I don't mean the content was scary or anything, it's just, it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I have this rule, that I do not cry in front of people, you know, for those of you who are less wary of sharing your emotions than I am.
Seriously though, I have been thinking about going and seeing a counselor here on campus for several weeks now, and the past week has seen my determinacy to go fade a whole fucking lot. And just this morning, I hit that point where I had an excuse for every possible reason that I could think of not to go. And that probably would have been the end of it. But what happened in Chapel today? The head guy from the counselling department of Baylor comes and talks to us about how important it is for us to recognize the signs of suicide and how help is the best way to get better.
...well fuck me sideways.
I literally just sat there for the 30 or so minutes that this guy talked, shaking like a leaf, and using all of my energy to just keep it together. It...I just...I was simply dumbfounded, and still am to this moment. I mean, it's not everyday that God kicks your ass into reality and gives you a good stern talking to.
Now, this part is going to sound sappy, but it's gotta be said. As soon as I got out of the building, the tears just came, and there was no stopping them. The only thing I could do was get to a spot where I could be alone, or at least think. So I made it to the benches on Founders Mall, and just let em come. When I had calmed down a little bit, I was sitting there, being generally miserable, when this group of girls came up to the bench across from me and put a little foam bear on it, and walked away. I had no idea what the hell it was, or why they put it there. All I knew is that I, for whatever reason, really wanted it. I didn't move, and wasn't planning on going over and getting it, why? I really don't know. But this is where it gets to the supernatural. After about 15 minutes of me just sitting and staring at this bear, the wind picked up. Not like hurricane force or anything like that, but it was stronger than it had been the rest of the time I was sitting out there...and it was blowing right at the bear. This sounds retarded when I type it up, but...at that moment, I just felt so at peace, so happy, for the first time in a long time.
Turns out the bear was a promotional for the counselling center that they handed out after the talk in Chapel.
God's a great guy, aint He?
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