Falling to Pieces...no, not like that song by The Script

     Oh yes, now the fun begins. And by fun, I mean mortal terror. All of my friends were complaining about how last week was the week that was going to kill them, what with all the assignments they had due and tests coming up. Mine starts...actually about 4 hours ago, when I went and did something really, really dumb. I know no one wants to hear about dumb shit like this, but I really need to vent it one way or another, so I'll try and keep it short.

     First off, the test situations. I had zero last week, everyone else had like 3. This week, I have 3, and everyone else has zero...I really wish my professors could learn to correlate my schedule with my friends' so that I can hang out with them without feeling the dread of impending doom because I'm not utilizing the time to study. And these aren't easy peasy, lemon squeezy tests either. They're mindfuck, hours and hours of study time required tests, so I'm slightly screwed in that aspect. I also have to give a speech on Thursday, which I would rather replace with all the mindfucking tests in the world. Public speaking is to me as the serpent was to Adam and Eve; it just aint a good time when I do it. I physically shake, you can see it in my hands and hear it in my voice. Also, this is an extemporaneous speech, which means you wing it...bad, bad, bad things are going to happen. I'm sorry Dr. Edwards, but my ideas just do not formulate in my head and then jump out of my mouth...actually, they do, but the end result is disastrous. I enjoy knowing what I'm going to say before I actually say it. So, actually, Thursday is going to be the day that I die. At least I get to look forward to drinking whiskey and rye, right?

     Secondly, the mess that I have gotten myself into in the past couple of days. I jumped into a relationship waaaaaay too fast, and am now regretting it completely because I have realized that I am not a guy to be in a relationship. Period. Of course, the person that I broke up with earlier disagrees, and doesn't believe me when I whipped out the 'it's not you it's me' cliche. And now they don't want to talk to me, even thought that's the way I wanted to do it in the first place, but eventually gave in to the nagging and did it over text. Worst. Idea. EVER. Don't ever do it, it is so not worth it. There are so many things to explain that can't be done via text that the other person gets really pissed at you for, even though it's all able to be explained, somewhat, and it should be. But whatever, it's cool if you just don't wanna do that, no worries. I'll just sit and stew in the pile of shit that my life has become. 

     But, of course, there is really no one to be mad at but myself, which is the suckiest part of all this. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to want to be mad at someone but figure out that it's all your fault. Sucks balls. If you haven't experienced it yet, you probably aren't human, but I wouldn't recommend it anyways. And the longer I sit here, being mad at other people, I feel worse and worse, and I'm probably developing a brain tumor as I sit and type this up. Actually, no, that's a guaranteed brain tumor, because I'm not going to fully develop this situation with any of my friends, no matter how much they ask or how much they think I told them all there was to tell. You know why? Because I hate talking about my problems! I enjoy shoving them to the back of my mind where they can get lost for a couple years, then surface back up and I can then just send them to the recycling bin in my head. Some people call it unhealthy...yea, so? It makes me feel better, why the hell shouldn't I do it? Plus, who the hell cares to hear about all the twisted shit that goes on in my mind, other than the poor pieces of paper I subject to my thoughts? I truly don't believe that it is my duty to burden people that I care about with all my baggage, time should be better spent with stuff they need to deal with. I know how to deal with anger, sadness, depression, all that jazz, so I need to help those that don't, right? It's only the Christian thing to do. 

     But I must say, friends are the best things in the world. Because as well as I can deal with stupid things, a distraction is necessary in the ignoring process. And I'll be damned if friends are not the best way to do that. Sure you can start off by talking about the problem, but then you just kind of stop after awhile and start talking about interesting things, like religion and all the implications of not believing in Jesus and all sorts of fun stuff like that. (I'm not being sarcastic here, that is the kind of thing that I like to talk about) Especially when I have such an interesting and radical view on the Christian faith. I consider myself a neo-Catholic, and if you would like to know what that is, come and find me, it's complicated, but you might like it, you never know. Although, if you're a hardcore Christian, I almost guarantee you that you will not. But yea, it's awesome talks like that that help me to move on and just be done with all the crap that seems to coat everything that I do these days. Music also seems to help. In fact, at this very moment, I am allowing Gaga to put back together the shattered pieces of my heart...that sounded very lovey dovey and gross, which it was not intended to be at all. Broken pieces of my mind probably would have been more accurate. Whatever, I'm a free bitch anyways. 

     At least I have some things to look forward to this week. That's right, if you're actually still reading this, there is a glimmer of hope at the bottom of the abyss. On Thursday, I get to go see the Baylor theater department put on Gypsy!! For those of you who don't know, Gypsy is considered by some experts to be the greatest American Broadway show in history...and I am a huge, huge Broadway fan, so needless to say, I'm flippin' excited!! Also, this weekend, I am going to be participating in something called a poverty simulation. Basically, I am going to be homeless for a weekend to see what it's like. For those of you who know my life aspirations, you know why this excites me so much. For those of you who don't, that's all content for another post, but short story: I want to live as a homeless person in New York City for at least a year, just for the hell of it. Yes I am 100% serious. Yes I am probably mentally unstable. But anyways, this experience will give me an idea, a very rough idea, of what life could be like for me somewhere in the future. 

     And with that happy note, I am going to sign off. It's absolutely way too late...early? for me to be up with a 9am class...so basically being active again in like 5 hours. Hooray. At least its going to feel like fall all week, and I'll have an excuse to wear sweats and a sweatshirt thats not 'I feel like shit'. Again, hooray. But no, for cereal, manbearpig, this weeks gonna suck. Hopefully yours aint gonna be like mine. And wow, I just previewed this thing...if you're reading this right now, you're a trooper, props to you!